Living in the Shadows
by Pooks1979
Summary: AU J/B one shot - what would life be like to have the love within your grasp only to lose it to the denial of your true love.


I can taste your lips, feel your skin, rest within the soft drum of your heartbeat and yet you are not there. My memory is the only thing to comfort me and remind me that once upon a time you were mine. I can smell the sweetness of your breath as my name escapes you, the vibration of your love penetrating my very soul and infusing your very essence with the core of my being.

We spoke of true love once, a love only written in novels, a love to true so unconditional it could never be broken, disjointed or severed. It was the one true constant in our troubled lives but the one thing that bound us together and forced us to never lose sight of our future.

We decreed these vows to one another, sealing our fate and declaring our journey as one and yet like the sun, those vows disappeared behind a sea of dark clouds and miscommunication. Through the passing years, even with the threat gone and only endless happiness in our sights, we still couldn't make our way out together. Fighting the supernatural came naturally to me, almost as natural as loving you and yet once the overwhelming sense of dread was gone and it was just you and me, the glory that once was Bella and Jake dwindled into nothingness.

I clung to those vows, the promise to love, honor and obey and to this day, just one year later I twirl my wedding band around my finger hoping that like the reflection of the light against the polished gold, this was just a passing phase, a blinding glare that shielded our eyes from seeing the true love we once felt for one another.

Just give me time you said. Time to venture out, see all the sights of the world and live but I always thought those moments, those sights would be seen, experienced with me not apart. Although tied to my home by fate, you knew, understood and accept my responsibility and yet with the empty promise of something more, like a moth to a flame you leap with no thought, no care for me or the need I had to always be by your side.

Your selfishness disgust me and cripples me all the same. How could you dismiss your promise as if it were a worthless trinket found within a vending machine at a local fair. Did I mean nothing? Did I save your life only to lose my own in the process? You were and still are everything to me and yet here I lay, alone, purposeless and beyond grief. You chose me and yet you are not with me.

As if my mind wishes to dwell in sadness, I recall your final words to me, the nails that sealed the coffin and forced me to live a life of utter despair and rage. "You have to let me go Jake. I love you but I can't be with you. I have to see what life is like out there so that I don't regret the decisions I've made here. I know I seem selfish, undeserving of you and all the love you have given me but I would be true to that love if I sat here, filled with resentment because we married too young. I'm sorry."

The tears fall more steadily now, the pain, sorrow and rage all mixed together and tight within my chest. My chest feels like someone is cutting my heart out with a spoon, the dull edges digging in deep but never truly penetrating my tough exterior enough to get inside. I curl into a ball from this affliction, my bodies last effort to try and alleviate the anguish, the grief of losing you not to my worst enemy, not to friendship but to time.

How do I go on living when my only source of hope lies within you? How do I function, performing the duties required by my ancestors when there is nothing left to fight for? My brothers say I'm weak and unworthy to keep my title but it is all that I have left. Each soulless creature I rid my lands of brings me one step closer to relief. My only solace is found within the dense fur of my alternate self and very soon it will be the only representation of the person known as Jake Black.

The heat begins, the fever tingling through my body, the wolf summoning me to my fate, welcoming me into a new life, a life without rules, judgment, heartache and grief, a life of complete and utter primal desire. I welcome such a reprieve, the only aspiration in an otherwise meaningless life. I thirst for something new, some bright light to come and save me from this loss and offer me some form of peace.

I no longer fight this beast, this uncontrollable monster I only call upon in my hour of need. He is as much a part of me as you once were and for the first time, I decide to make the ultimate sacrifice and never return to the land of pain and humanity.

Like an match to a strike I free myself from my human form and run like the wind through the forest my claws gripping and tearing through the rough terrain as if it were as delicate as tissue paper. I love the command I hold over nature, the trees, soil and sand bending to my will and allowing me the freedom to act without recourse and terrorize without regret.

As I give into my wilds and enjoy my new form I can hear my breather call out to me, the endless questions frustrating and annoying and yet I silence them with two words, "I'm done."

My proclamation is met with no defiance, questions or altercation. They can feel my pain, know my peril and accept my decision. I want nothing to do with them or you and allow myself to fall into the welcoming arms of mother nature. She is the only one to accept me, love me for who I am and offer no misconceptions about what she has in store for me. She is the one I will love and the one that will offer me the peace I so rightfully deserve.

_Six months later…_

The dreams are few and far between now, your memory only a shadow that haunts my resting hours but never daunting or painful but more of a tiny reminder that once I did know what it felt like to be loved. It all seems so trivial now, the anguish forgotten, the pain nonexistent and the love replaced by the most basic of needs. I communed with nature and she offered me all the peace and nourishment I needed. Not once did I have to lie in a puddle of my own tears, the pain of my own physical affliction of rage, no, now I focused on surviving, living as if each day was my last and enjoying every minute of it.

As I lie here until the radiate light of the full moon, it reminds me of you and although I love my new life and solitude a part of me still thirsts for you. You can never deny your imprint, your soul mate through time and distance however, the urge has lessened, dwindled into an occasional skipped heartbeat but nothing more. I will not allow grief to incapacitate me again.

As if God saw fight to battle my affirmation, my ear catch wind of crackling just off to my right. My senses are enhanced and with my acute sense of smell and hearing I listen closely and wait to hear it again but silence is all I can hear. Quickly disregarding the noise I close my eyes and rest, the warmth of the beach sand helping ease me into sleep like the heat of mother's warm breasts to her unborn child.

"Jake" a voice calls out and calls my attention.

I know the voice and the strawberry scent that ties along with it. The thought angers me, my mind playing tricks again, taunting me with the remnants of you when I know there is no way it truly can or would be you.

"Jake"

Yet again your shadow beckons me, calls me to its ill well trying in one last valet effort to seize my mind and take hold of the only thing left that allows me to be human, my heart. I deny such an effort and counter it with an ear piercing howling hoping it will silence its taunt and allow me to remain at peace.

The weight of your feet as you fall back in shock confirms you are not the loathing shadow that has haunted me for years. I focus on the noise and find you hidden behind the tall timbers of the forest behind me. I snarl, my teeth exposed and dripping with anger and resentment. I've been a wolf so long it is hard to act like anything other than protective of my home.

"Jake it's me Bella" you continue while taking a step forward.

Without thought I snap my teeth, the wolf having full control and the small measure of humanity silenced by the pain of seeing you again after so long.

"Jake if you would just give me a minute to explain I…"

Your defiance only tickles the anger that remains dominant within me and your plea is met with another growl and hiss.

Surprisingly you are no longer scared of my oversized stature and take a step forward, insistent that I listen to the lies I was sure were about to spill from your lips.

"Jake I'm sorry. I was selfish, foolish and childish. I know living you, our home, our family was wrong and I know I hurt you but I came back."

As much as I despised you for leaving, for taking my life and love and diminishing it to nothing more than an empty promise, my heart wouldn't allow me to walk away even though everything within me pleaded to do so. You were my wife, true love and imprint.

I allowed you to speak offering you my back for facing you would surely mean my demise. I had lived in the darkness of my primal wolf for so long I wasn't sure even you could bring me back nor was I sure I wanted to go back. I was happy living in the shadows of you and my former life and even when those three words flew so freely from your lips and my heart tightened at the sheer intensity as you spoke them, I still could bring myself to be the man I once was.

After exhausting all efforts you took a seat on a small piece of driftwood on the beach. I watched as you cried, hopelessness and despair all that spill from your lips for fear it was too late. For a moment I reveled in your sadness, allowed you to grieve as I had since you left. There are no words that would adequate express how it feels to lose your heart just like there are no words to explain why I could dismiss such a heinous act and welcome you back.

I knew with time these wounds would heal because just like every great love story ever written, unconditional love would be so if there were conditions. I promised to love you and even if it took me a lifetime to forgive you, I could still never deny how I feel. To live in the shadow of what we once were was naïve so my hope is with time, we could finally reclaim the essence of what has always stood the test of time and distance, the imprint of my love on your heart.


End file.
